A Note of Thanks

As I have said before, our journey with Maggie has been covered with peace – from the day she was diagnosed to the day she was delivered.  It is a peace that can only come from God and is a direct result of so many people faithfully praying for us. All we can say is thank you – thank you for joining with us on this journey. I have received many comments over the last several weeks about how well we seem to be doing and the only answer I can give is that God has answered our prayers. We asked for peace and we asked you to pray for that peace.  God has heard those prayers. It does not mean that we don’t feel pain and we don’t feel sadness, but it does mean that at the end of the day God is still God and we can find rest in that.

Over the last three months I have also been reminded of the beauty of the human spirit. It has been a humbling experience to be on the receiving end of people’s willingness and desire to give of their time, talents, and resources to show their support for us. Our family, friends, church family, neighbors, and coworkers have blown us away with their capacity to find ways to support us in a seemingly impossible situation. So many of you have met us at our point of need – from helping us design the beautiful blog for Maggie, to providing the gift of massage for my aching back, to watching Carson for me so that I could rest, to re-decorating rooms in my home as a way to brighten my spirits, to pointing me to people who have experienced similar losses in their lives. We have been blessed by the meals that have been and continue to be provided for us. The last two weeks have been such a restful time for me as I have spent time at home and have not had to worry about preparing meals for my family. God has used this time to remind me, as it says in Psalms, to “Be Still and Know that I am God.” For those that know me very well, you know that “being still” is not one of my strong suits. I tend to use my responsibilities and “to do lists” to distract me from processing thoughts and emotions. In the weeks following Maggie’s birth and death, God has used this time to teach me what it means to “be still” and to rest in the knowledge that He has and will continue to provide for our needs – physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

We would like to thank all of the people involved in providing a beautiful memorial service for Maggie. The directors at the funeral home did a wonderful job helping us organize a simple and sweet service for Maggie. The service began with two hymns –How Great Thou Art  and It is Well. Jonathon, a worship leader at our church played his guitar and sang both of these songs for us. Both Charles and I love the sound of hymns played on an acoustic guitar and were grateful to include them in Maggie’s service. Davin, an associate pastor at our church (Roswell Street Baptist), then read two verses that have held significant meaning for us during our  journey with Maggie– Jeremiah 29:11 and Mathew 5:8.  Dr. Easley, our senior pastor, provided a message of hope that is found in II Samuel, Chapter 12. In this chapter King David has just found out that his child that was sick has died. When he learns of this death, the Bible says that David “went into the house of the Lord and worshiped.”  The passage reminded all of us that, even in our grief, we can rejoice in the assurance of God’s sovereignty. Jonathon ended the service with the song Silent Night.  I like to think of it as Maggie’s special song. I began singing Silent Night to Carson around Christmas time last year and I still sing it to him most nights when I am putting him to bed.  The way I see it, Maggie has been hearing this song since she was conceived. I thought it only fitting to include it in her memorial service and I love the closing line that says “Sleep in heavenly peace. Sleep in heavenly peace.”

One of our prayers was that God be glorified in the life our sweet little girl. I have received many cards, calls, messages, and emails from people who have been touched by Maggie’s life. Thank you for sharing with us the impact that Maggie’s life has made on your own lives –it has been a source of encouragement to us and an answer to prayer.  We will always cherish the time we had with Maggie. Thank you for cherishing her as well.

My Day with Maggie

It has been ten days since Maggie was born, a week since we laid her to rest. I want to remember every moment I spent with Maggie. I am afraid that if I don’t write it down, I will forget. This blog represents Maggie’s baby book. Less than a dozen posts represent the span of her life on earth. I want to share everything I learned about Maggie while I carried her in my womb. I want to share everything about the day I held her in my arms.

As I carried Maggie in my womb for over seven months, I had the opportunity to get to know Maggie better than anyone else.  I will do my best to share what I learned about my little girl. I think Maggie was a good listener. I remember when Carson was a baby all the parenting books I read (and there were a lot of them) said that I should begin verbally communicating with my children before they even learned to talk. So that is what I did. As I pushed Carson around the neighborhood in his stroller as a baby I would talk to him about the weather, the trees, and sometimes even about the neighbors (just kidding). I would do my best to explain the world around him. I made no exception with Maggie.  I would talk to Maggie about my day as I drove home from work. I would explain to Maggie my own theories on grocery store aisle organization as I unsuccessfully hunted down hard to find items on our weekly shopping trips. I am sure that I received many curious stares from the other store patrons, but let’s just hope they chalked it up to pregnancy brain.  

I also think that Maggie would have been one of those babies that I could brag about sleeping through the night at a very young age. When I first began to feel Maggie moving around in my tummy, I noticed that she was very active during the day…turning and dancing and kicking me all day long. But as night time approached, and I settled myself down to sleep, I noticed that Maggie often settled too. The kicking would subside and she would rest (as I rested) until about 7am the next morning when she would gently  wake me with her little kicks and turns (but only if Carson didn’t beat her to it…which he often did!).

I often wonder what kind of personality Maggie would have had. If we were lucky, she would have the same sweet and tender spirit of her brother, the gentleness and integrity of her father, and maybe even a hint of humor like her mother. I often wonder what she would look like as a little girl. Would she sport the same (surprisingly) blonde hair as her brother or the brown, curly hair of her mother? I don’t dwell on these wonderings for very long because I know that as a heavenly being, Maggie’s beauty – both inward and outward – is far greater than I can even imagine.

I felt a gamut of emotions on the day that Maggie was born - some of them expected and some of them surprising. When Maggie was delivered, I knew she was stillborn. There were no expectations of hearing her first cry or seeing her first move.  It was a moment tinged with sadness, but now that I recall it in my mind, I also remember feeling an overwhelming sense of accomplishment.  It was a surprising emotion to feel, but I felt it all the same. In that moment, it did not matter to me that I would not nurse my daughter or change her diaper. I had just given birth to my second child and for that I was very proud. As I think back to those few moments after Maggie was born, I really don’t think I acted much different than I had when Carson was born three years earlier.  I felt relieved that the ordeal of giving birth was over. I was hungry and asked for a cheeseburger and a coke (what can I say, I felt like indulging). I couldn’t wait to share Maggie with my family and friends. Maggie was my daughter and I was proud of her and completely and totally in love with her.

When the adrenaline of the delivery began to wear off, I also remember feeling a hint of fear, even a hint of anger.  I was fearful that the cap we placed on her head would fall off and others would see the deformities of anencephaly. I was angry at myself for having this fear. But when Maggie was dressed in a beautiful gown and I placed a pearl bracelet around her tiny wrist, the fear and anger subsided. I was going to celebrate Maggie and share her with the world.

Looking back on that day, it does seem a little strange that I would hold a stillborn baby in my arms throughout the night and on into the next day. I remember how Maggie became colder and colder as the night progressed and I remember wrapping her in layers of blankets, thinking it might help. Though I knew she had died, I needed her close to me. We had been on a long journey together and I was not ready to say goodbye just yet. I am grateful to the nurses and to my family and friends for being gracious with me as I spent my day with Maggie. Maggie had so many visitors the evening she was born and even into the next day. I am so thankful that I was able to share her with many who have been on this journey with me and have grown to love Maggie just as I do.  She received lots of cuddles and lots of kisses. No one could believe how tiny she was. Everyone could believe how precious she was.

As my time with Maggie neared its end, the gamut of emotions continued. There was the joy of holding my baby girl, the sadness of letting her go, and fear returned as well. Fear that the peace I had so fervently prayed for would come crumbling down when faced with the reality of saying goodbye.  Leading up to Maggie’s birth, I knew that the most difficult moment would be kissing her goodbye when the representatives from the funeral home came to pick her up from the hospital. It was almost 24 hours to the minute since she was born that I heard the knock on my hospital room door. I knew they had come for Maggie. We had called them and told them it was time.  She felt so cold and her once delicate pink skin now carried a dark purple hue. Although there were many tears shed in those few minutes of saying goodbye, God was faithful in restoring peace to us once again. Charles and I both understood that Maggie no longer resided in her broken, earthly body, but had been restored to a perfect body and now danced on heaven’s streets of gold.

Leaving the hospital that day, I clutched a teddy bear, baby blankets, and a memory box that had been assembled for Maggie. It contains multiple copies of tiny ink handprints and footprints, a measuring tape cut to Maggie’s birth length of 12 inches, a tiny plaster footprint, a pink baby cap just like the one placed on her head after she was born, a lock of her hair, and the pearl bracelet she wore on the day we spent together. As I sat down in the passenger seat of our van, another mother – a new mother – was also getting into her car; she carried a newborn baby in her arms. The reality of the situation almost took my breath away, but yet, the peace remained. Maggie has blessed my life in so many ways,  just as she has blessed so many others and, for that, I am grateful.  

Memories of Maggie

Obituary for Maggie Karina Hoffman

Infant Maggie Karina Hoffman died on Wednesday, September 7, 2011 in Marietta.
A Memorial Service will be held at 4:00 p.m. on Saturday, September 10th at Mayes Ward-Dobbins Chapel in Marietta with Dr. Ernest Easley officiating.
Maggie is survived by her parents, Charles & Jana Hoffman and big brother, Carson all of Smyrna.
In lieu of flowers, contributions may be made to Roswell Street Women's Pregnancy Center, 822 Roswell Street, Marietta, GA 30060.
Mayes Ward-Dobbins Funeral Home and Crematory in Marietta is in charge of arrangements.

There has been a CareCalendar set up for friends and family to help the Hoffman’s with meals for the next few months.  It is set for 2 months, but if the need is still there after this time period, we will extend it to accommodate them further.  To access Hoffman Family's personal CareCalendar site, visit http://www.carecalendar.org/logon/86307 and enter

the following information in the appropriate spaces:

     CALENDAR ID:   86307

     SECURITY CODE:   9385

  

Maggie's Day

September 7, 2011 is a day that I will always remember as Maggie’s day. It is the day she surprised us all and decided to put me into labor. It is the day that I finally was able to hold my little girl in my arms. It is the day that she went to heaven. On the morning of the 7^th, I woke up with a sense – that mom sense that tells you this day will be different. I had been in a fair amount of discomfort since the night before, but didn’t really know what to think of it. The truth is I was under the impression that, because of Maggie’s condition, she would not be able to go into labor, so when I started having “labor pains” I thought it was just an extension of the discomfort I was having from the polyhydramnios.

Shortly after Charles had gone into work on the morning of the 7^th, I called him from home and told him that I thought I was having contractions pretty consistently. Thankfully I already had a bag packed for the hospital. Again, that mom sense told me to get a bag packed this past weekend. Charles and I even had the opportunity to buy a couple of outfits and hats for Maggie over the weekend.

By the time Charles arrived home, I was in a fair amount of discomfort (aka pain). We dropped Carson off at our friend’s house so he could spend the day playing with his sweet friends, Liam and John, and then we headed up to my doctor’s office. As we were driving to the doctor’s office, Jeremiah 29:11 continually ran through my mind – “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” It is a verse that has been on my heart since Maggie’s diagnosis in June. It has always served as reminder to me that God’s plans are sometimes not our own. I have to remind myself of this verse every time I get in the minivan we had purchased shortly after I had found out I was pregnant with Maggie but before we had received her diagnosis. As I reflect on this verse now, I realize that God’s plan for Maggie’s arrival was perfect. Although not the way I had envisioned her arrival, I now cannot imagine it occurring in any other way. God’s timing is perfect. He had the right people in place for Maggie’s arrival today – from the midwife who so caringly delivered Maggie to the nurses and hospital staff that have taken care of us throughout the day.

When I arrived at the doctor’s office, my midwife (Christy), was able to see us right away. At the time, she could not check my dilation because my bag of my amniotic fluid was so big. She decided to do an ultrasound to see how Maggie was doing. Although I was in quite a bit of discomfort (aka pain) at the time, I was thankful to see Maggie moving around on the ultrasound screen and hear her heartbeat one last time. After the ultrasound, my contractions were coming very close together and so they were able to get me in a wheelchair and wheel me over to labor and delivery. Christy was still not able to check my dilation because of my full (oversized) amniotic fluid. I was concerned that my contractions were so close together that I would not be able to get an epidural, but thankfully they were able to get the anesthesiologist in pretty quickly to administer it (oh what relief that was). Right after the epidural was administered, we decided to go ahead and break my water so that we could check my dilation and assist Maggie into the birth canal. God’s provisions were at work. When they had done the ultrasound at the doctor’s office, Maggie was very active and flipping all around in my tummy—from head down to feet down to transverse (side to side). If Maggie had landed transverse after my water broke, the chances of having to have a C-section were much higher. Thankfully, she settled into a head down position when my water broke.  “Water breaking” is putting it mildly to say the least. Over two gallons of water gushed from me in a matter of seconds. For the second time that day, I felt a sense of relief. Christy was then able to check my dilation and came to the conclusion that I was fully dilated.

Christy then did an ultrasound to check Maggie’s position and heartbeat. Unfortunately, Maggie’s heartbeat could no longer be detected. We had been prepared for this, knowing that the drop that occurs after the waters break would not bode well for the delicate condition of Maggie’s head. Charles and I looked at each other and knew that Maggie had gone on to a better place. It was a moment of extreme sadness for us, but God was covering us with peace. His plan is perfect. Although we wanted so desperately to spend a few minutes with our little girl before she journeyed to heaven, we are thankful that we were spared from so many decisions that would have to be made with a live birth. Regardless of her condition when she was born, we knew once we checked into the hospital that organ donation would not be a possibility. An organ donor must be 8 pounds. Maggie weighed in at 2 lbs 4oz. Again, God gave us a peace about this decision – a decision that was out of our hands. If she was born alive, we would have had to watch her struggle for breath and decide whether or not to give her oxygen. If she lived for more than a couple of days, we would have to decide if and how to feed her. I thank God and I thank Maggie that I did not have to make these decisions.

Once my water was broke and I was fully dilated, I decided to wait a few hours before giving birth to Maggie. I wanted a couple of hours to rest up before the delivery began (giving birth can be an exhausting process). I also wanted to enjoy a few more hours with my little pearl tucked safely inside of me. I know that I was being lifted up in prayer throughout this time. Charles and I both felt a covering of peace and I was able to get the best sleep that I have had in weeks.

I began pushing shortly after 5pm and Maggie was delivered at 5:50pm. Throughout the delivery process the only people present in the room were myself (obviously), Charles, my midwife, and one nurse (Jennifer). I think Maggie appreciated the peace and quiet.

After Maggie was delivered, Jennifer cleaned her up for me and Christy tended to my needs. Charles was so wonderful throughout the entire process – displaying a strength and calmness that makes me so proud to call him my husband.

Before delivering Maggie, we had considered getting pictures of her without a cap on her head. However, the anencephaly was pretty severe and we decided to cover her head with a cap shortly after she was delivered. I am thankful that Christy, Jennifer, and Charles were able to see and assess her before I did to prepare me for her condition. However, a mother’s love transcends all imperfections. Maggie is beautiful – truly a rare and precious pearl.

Charles and I spent some time alone with our little girl. Memorizing every part of her – from her cute button nose, to her perfectly formed lips (courtesy of her daddy), to her delicate fingers and toes, to the cutest little tush I still have ever seen. We then had a photographer come in for Maggie’s photo shoot and are so pleased with the memories she was able to capture.

We then decided that it was time for Maggie to meet her family and friends. We secured her cap and wrapped her in a blanket to introduce her to big brother Carson. Carson was beaming with pride. We let him hold her hand, pet her tummy, and kiss her cheek. He did wonderful. One of my greatest moments of the day was having my two children in the same room together. After Maggie had a chance to meet everyone, I held her in my arms as I was wheeled to my recovery room.

I have spent most of the night holding her in my arms. She is wrapped up in an angel blanket and wears a pearl bracelet on her wrist. The joy of holding her in my arms outweighs the sadness of saying good bye. As I drifted off the sleep this evening, I envisioned Maggie entering the pearly gates of heaven, running into the arms of Jesus. Jesus introduces her to a new group of friends – babies who, like her, only know the joys of heaven. They are busy jumping on clouds and sliding down rainbows. Maggie is whole and Maggie is happy.     

Update

I wanted to provide an update about my OB appointment that took place on Friday and thank you for your prayers about the appointment. The doctor we met with seemed very supportive and understanding and will try to be available for the delivery (though that is not a guarantee). I am still measuring large and so will have to see a specialist to measure the amount of amniotic fluid in my quickly expanding belly. The doctor I saw today said that if the specialist is okay with it, then a delivery in early October is feasible. At that point, I will be 36 weeks and Maggie’s lungs should be developed enough to function outside the womb. I desire for Maggie to be able to breathe on her own because, if she is born alive, only comfort measures will be given as we spend whatever time we have with her. I scheduled an appointment with the specialist for next Friday afternoon. Please continue to pray that the specialist will be comfortable with me continuing my pregnancy for a few more weeks. 

After we left the doctor’s office on Friday, Charles and I met with Chad at Mays Ward - Dobbins Funeral Home to talk about final arrangements for Maggie. I know that it may seem strange or wrong that we are making plans to lay Maggie to rest before she is even born, but God continues to give us peace and assurance of His plan for Maggie’s life. I have complete faith and belief that God can perform a miracle in Maggie’s life if that is His will, but I also must remain obedient to what God has called me to pray for, and He has called me to pray for peace; therefore, I wish to plan accordingly. Chad was very compassionate and helpful as we have many decisions to make. We are thankful that we were referred to Mays Ward-Dobbins and are confident that Maggie will be treated with the utmost respect and care.