Maggie's Day

September 7, 2011 is a day that I will always remember as Maggie’s day. It is the day she surprised us all and decided to put me into labor. It is the day that I finally was able to hold my little girl in my arms. It is the day that she went to heaven. On the morning of the 7^th, I woke up with a sense – that mom sense that tells you this day will be different. I had been in a fair amount of discomfort since the night before, but didn’t really know what to think of it. The truth is I was under the impression that, because of Maggie’s condition, she would not be able to go into labor, so when I started having “labor pains” I thought it was just an extension of the discomfort I was having from the polyhydramnios.

Shortly after Charles had gone into work on the morning of the 7^th, I called him from home and told him that I thought I was having contractions pretty consistently. Thankfully I already had a bag packed for the hospital. Again, that mom sense told me to get a bag packed this past weekend. Charles and I even had the opportunity to buy a couple of outfits and hats for Maggie over the weekend.

By the time Charles arrived home, I was in a fair amount of discomfort (aka pain). We dropped Carson off at our friend’s house so he could spend the day playing with his sweet friends, Liam and John, and then we headed up to my doctor’s office. As we were driving to the doctor’s office, Jeremiah 29:11 continually ran through my mind – “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” It is a verse that has been on my heart since Maggie’s diagnosis in June. It has always served as reminder to me that God’s plans are sometimes not our own. I have to remind myself of this verse every time I get in the minivan we had purchased shortly after I had found out I was pregnant with Maggie but before we had received her diagnosis. As I reflect on this verse now, I realize that God’s plan for Maggie’s arrival was perfect. Although not the way I had envisioned her arrival, I now cannot imagine it occurring in any other way. God’s timing is perfect. He had the right people in place for Maggie’s arrival today – from the midwife who so caringly delivered Maggie to the nurses and hospital staff that have taken care of us throughout the day.

When I arrived at the doctor’s office, my midwife (Christy), was able to see us right away. At the time, she could not check my dilation because my bag of my amniotic fluid was so big. She decided to do an ultrasound to see how Maggie was doing. Although I was in quite a bit of discomfort (aka pain) at the time, I was thankful to see Maggie moving around on the ultrasound screen and hear her heartbeat one last time. After the ultrasound, my contractions were coming very close together and so they were able to get me in a wheelchair and wheel me over to labor and delivery. Christy was still not able to check my dilation because of my full (oversized) amniotic fluid. I was concerned that my contractions were so close together that I would not be able to get an epidural, but thankfully they were able to get the anesthesiologist in pretty quickly to administer it (oh what relief that was). Right after the epidural was administered, we decided to go ahead and break my water so that we could check my dilation and assist Maggie into the birth canal. God’s provisions were at work. When they had done the ultrasound at the doctor’s office, Maggie was very active and flipping all around in my tummy—from head down to feet down to transverse (side to side). If Maggie had landed transverse after my water broke, the chances of having to have a C-section were much higher. Thankfully, she settled into a head down position when my water broke.  “Water breaking” is putting it mildly to say the least. Over two gallons of water gushed from me in a matter of seconds. For the second time that day, I felt a sense of relief. Christy was then able to check my dilation and came to the conclusion that I was fully dilated.

Christy then did an ultrasound to check Maggie’s position and heartbeat. Unfortunately, Maggie’s heartbeat could no longer be detected. We had been prepared for this, knowing that the drop that occurs after the waters break would not bode well for the delicate condition of Maggie’s head. Charles and I looked at each other and knew that Maggie had gone on to a better place. It was a moment of extreme sadness for us, but God was covering us with peace. His plan is perfect. Although we wanted so desperately to spend a few minutes with our little girl before she journeyed to heaven, we are thankful that we were spared from so many decisions that would have to be made with a live birth. Regardless of her condition when she was born, we knew once we checked into the hospital that organ donation would not be a possibility. An organ donor must be 8 pounds. Maggie weighed in at 2 lbs 4oz. Again, God gave us a peace about this decision – a decision that was out of our hands. If she was born alive, we would have had to watch her struggle for breath and decide whether or not to give her oxygen. If she lived for more than a couple of days, we would have to decide if and how to feed her. I thank God and I thank Maggie that I did not have to make these decisions.

Once my water was broke and I was fully dilated, I decided to wait a few hours before giving birth to Maggie. I wanted a couple of hours to rest up before the delivery began (giving birth can be an exhausting process). I also wanted to enjoy a few more hours with my little pearl tucked safely inside of me. I know that I was being lifted up in prayer throughout this time. Charles and I both felt a covering of peace and I was able to get the best sleep that I have had in weeks.

I began pushing shortly after 5pm and Maggie was delivered at 5:50pm. Throughout the delivery process the only people present in the room were myself (obviously), Charles, my midwife, and one nurse (Jennifer). I think Maggie appreciated the peace and quiet.

After Maggie was delivered, Jennifer cleaned her up for me and Christy tended to my needs. Charles was so wonderful throughout the entire process – displaying a strength and calmness that makes me so proud to call him my husband.

Before delivering Maggie, we had considered getting pictures of her without a cap on her head. However, the anencephaly was pretty severe and we decided to cover her head with a cap shortly after she was delivered. I am thankful that Christy, Jennifer, and Charles were able to see and assess her before I did to prepare me for her condition. However, a mother’s love transcends all imperfections. Maggie is beautiful – truly a rare and precious pearl.

Charles and I spent some time alone with our little girl. Memorizing every part of her – from her cute button nose, to her perfectly formed lips (courtesy of her daddy), to her delicate fingers and toes, to the cutest little tush I still have ever seen. We then had a photographer come in for Maggie’s photo shoot and are so pleased with the memories she was able to capture.

We then decided that it was time for Maggie to meet her family and friends. We secured her cap and wrapped her in a blanket to introduce her to big brother Carson. Carson was beaming with pride. We let him hold her hand, pet her tummy, and kiss her cheek. He did wonderful. One of my greatest moments of the day was having my two children in the same room together. After Maggie had a chance to meet everyone, I held her in my arms as I was wheeled to my recovery room.

I have spent most of the night holding her in my arms. She is wrapped up in an angel blanket and wears a pearl bracelet on her wrist. The joy of holding her in my arms outweighs the sadness of saying good bye. As I drifted off the sleep this evening, I envisioned Maggie entering the pearly gates of heaven, running into the arms of Jesus. Jesus introduces her to a new group of friends – babies who, like her, only know the joys of heaven. They are busy jumping on clouds and sliding down rainbows. Maggie is whole and Maggie is happy.