A Note of Thanks

As I have said before, our journey with Maggie has been covered with peace – from the day she was diagnosed to the day she was delivered.  It is a peace that can only come from God and is a direct result of so many people faithfully praying for us. All we can say is thank you – thank you for joining with us on this journey. I have received many comments over the last several weeks about how well we seem to be doing and the only answer I can give is that God has answered our prayers. We asked for peace and we asked you to pray for that peace.  God has heard those prayers. It does not mean that we don’t feel pain and we don’t feel sadness, but it does mean that at the end of the day God is still God and we can find rest in that.

Over the last three months I have also been reminded of the beauty of the human spirit. It has been a humbling experience to be on the receiving end of people’s willingness and desire to give of their time, talents, and resources to show their support for us. Our family, friends, church family, neighbors, and coworkers have blown us away with their capacity to find ways to support us in a seemingly impossible situation. So many of you have met us at our point of need – from helping us design the beautiful blog for Maggie, to providing the gift of massage for my aching back, to watching Carson for me so that I could rest, to re-decorating rooms in my home as a way to brighten my spirits, to pointing me to people who have experienced similar losses in their lives. We have been blessed by the meals that have been and continue to be provided for us. The last two weeks have been such a restful time for me as I have spent time at home and have not had to worry about preparing meals for my family. God has used this time to remind me, as it says in Psalms, to “Be Still and Know that I am God.” For those that know me very well, you know that “being still” is not one of my strong suits. I tend to use my responsibilities and “to do lists” to distract me from processing thoughts and emotions. In the weeks following Maggie’s birth and death, God has used this time to teach me what it means to “be still” and to rest in the knowledge that He has and will continue to provide for our needs – physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

We would like to thank all of the people involved in providing a beautiful memorial service for Maggie. The directors at the funeral home did a wonderful job helping us organize a simple and sweet service for Maggie. The service began with two hymns –How Great Thou Art  and It is Well. Jonathon, a worship leader at our church played his guitar and sang both of these songs for us. Both Charles and I love the sound of hymns played on an acoustic guitar and were grateful to include them in Maggie’s service. Davin, an associate pastor at our church (Roswell Street Baptist), then read two verses that have held significant meaning for us during our  journey with Maggie– Jeremiah 29:11 and Mathew 5:8.  Dr. Easley, our senior pastor, provided a message of hope that is found in II Samuel, Chapter 12. In this chapter King David has just found out that his child that was sick has died. When he learns of this death, the Bible says that David “went into the house of the Lord and worshiped.”  The passage reminded all of us that, even in our grief, we can rejoice in the assurance of God’s sovereignty. Jonathon ended the service with the song Silent Night.  I like to think of it as Maggie’s special song. I began singing Silent Night to Carson around Christmas time last year and I still sing it to him most nights when I am putting him to bed.  The way I see it, Maggie has been hearing this song since she was conceived. I thought it only fitting to include it in her memorial service and I love the closing line that says “Sleep in heavenly peace. Sleep in heavenly peace.”

One of our prayers was that God be glorified in the life our sweet little girl. I have received many cards, calls, messages, and emails from people who have been touched by Maggie’s life. Thank you for sharing with us the impact that Maggie’s life has made on your own lives –it has been a source of encouragement to us and an answer to prayer.  We will always cherish the time we had with Maggie. Thank you for cherishing her as well.

My Day with Maggie

It has been ten days since Maggie was born, a week since we laid her to rest. I want to remember every moment I spent with Maggie. I am afraid that if I don’t write it down, I will forget. This blog represents Maggie’s baby book. Less than a dozen posts represent the span of her life on earth. I want to share everything I learned about Maggie while I carried her in my womb. I want to share everything about the day I held her in my arms.

As I carried Maggie in my womb for over seven months, I had the opportunity to get to know Maggie better than anyone else.  I will do my best to share what I learned about my little girl. I think Maggie was a good listener. I remember when Carson was a baby all the parenting books I read (and there were a lot of them) said that I should begin verbally communicating with my children before they even learned to talk. So that is what I did. As I pushed Carson around the neighborhood in his stroller as a baby I would talk to him about the weather, the trees, and sometimes even about the neighbors (just kidding). I would do my best to explain the world around him. I made no exception with Maggie.  I would talk to Maggie about my day as I drove home from work. I would explain to Maggie my own theories on grocery store aisle organization as I unsuccessfully hunted down hard to find items on our weekly shopping trips. I am sure that I received many curious stares from the other store patrons, but let’s just hope they chalked it up to pregnancy brain.  

I also think that Maggie would have been one of those babies that I could brag about sleeping through the night at a very young age. When I first began to feel Maggie moving around in my tummy, I noticed that she was very active during the day…turning and dancing and kicking me all day long. But as night time approached, and I settled myself down to sleep, I noticed that Maggie often settled too. The kicking would subside and she would rest (as I rested) until about 7am the next morning when she would gently  wake me with her little kicks and turns (but only if Carson didn’t beat her to it…which he often did!).

I often wonder what kind of personality Maggie would have had. If we were lucky, she would have the same sweet and tender spirit of her brother, the gentleness and integrity of her father, and maybe even a hint of humor like her mother. I often wonder what she would look like as a little girl. Would she sport the same (surprisingly) blonde hair as her brother or the brown, curly hair of her mother? I don’t dwell on these wonderings for very long because I know that as a heavenly being, Maggie’s beauty – both inward and outward – is far greater than I can even imagine.

I felt a gamut of emotions on the day that Maggie was born - some of them expected and some of them surprising. When Maggie was delivered, I knew she was stillborn. There were no expectations of hearing her first cry or seeing her first move.  It was a moment tinged with sadness, but now that I recall it in my mind, I also remember feeling an overwhelming sense of accomplishment.  It was a surprising emotion to feel, but I felt it all the same. In that moment, it did not matter to me that I would not nurse my daughter or change her diaper. I had just given birth to my second child and for that I was very proud. As I think back to those few moments after Maggie was born, I really don’t think I acted much different than I had when Carson was born three years earlier.  I felt relieved that the ordeal of giving birth was over. I was hungry and asked for a cheeseburger and a coke (what can I say, I felt like indulging). I couldn’t wait to share Maggie with my family and friends. Maggie was my daughter and I was proud of her and completely and totally in love with her.

When the adrenaline of the delivery began to wear off, I also remember feeling a hint of fear, even a hint of anger.  I was fearful that the cap we placed on her head would fall off and others would see the deformities of anencephaly. I was angry at myself for having this fear. But when Maggie was dressed in a beautiful gown and I placed a pearl bracelet around her tiny wrist, the fear and anger subsided. I was going to celebrate Maggie and share her with the world.

Looking back on that day, it does seem a little strange that I would hold a stillborn baby in my arms throughout the night and on into the next day. I remember how Maggie became colder and colder as the night progressed and I remember wrapping her in layers of blankets, thinking it might help. Though I knew she had died, I needed her close to me. We had been on a long journey together and I was not ready to say goodbye just yet. I am grateful to the nurses and to my family and friends for being gracious with me as I spent my day with Maggie. Maggie had so many visitors the evening she was born and even into the next day. I am so thankful that I was able to share her with many who have been on this journey with me and have grown to love Maggie just as I do.  She received lots of cuddles and lots of kisses. No one could believe how tiny she was. Everyone could believe how precious she was.

As my time with Maggie neared its end, the gamut of emotions continued. There was the joy of holding my baby girl, the sadness of letting her go, and fear returned as well. Fear that the peace I had so fervently prayed for would come crumbling down when faced with the reality of saying goodbye.  Leading up to Maggie’s birth, I knew that the most difficult moment would be kissing her goodbye when the representatives from the funeral home came to pick her up from the hospital. It was almost 24 hours to the minute since she was born that I heard the knock on my hospital room door. I knew they had come for Maggie. We had called them and told them it was time.  She felt so cold and her once delicate pink skin now carried a dark purple hue. Although there were many tears shed in those few minutes of saying goodbye, God was faithful in restoring peace to us once again. Charles and I both understood that Maggie no longer resided in her broken, earthly body, but had been restored to a perfect body and now danced on heaven’s streets of gold.

Leaving the hospital that day, I clutched a teddy bear, baby blankets, and a memory box that had been assembled for Maggie. It contains multiple copies of tiny ink handprints and footprints, a measuring tape cut to Maggie’s birth length of 12 inches, a tiny plaster footprint, a pink baby cap just like the one placed on her head after she was born, a lock of her hair, and the pearl bracelet she wore on the day we spent together. As I sat down in the passenger seat of our van, another mother – a new mother – was also getting into her car; she carried a newborn baby in her arms. The reality of the situation almost took my breath away, but yet, the peace remained. Maggie has blessed my life in so many ways,  just as she has blessed so many others and, for that, I am grateful.  

Memories of Maggie

Obituary for Maggie Karina Hoffman

Infant Maggie Karina Hoffman died on Wednesday, September 7, 2011 in Marietta.
A Memorial Service will be held at 4:00 p.m. on Saturday, September 10th at Mayes Ward-Dobbins Chapel in Marietta with Dr. Ernest Easley officiating.
Maggie is survived by her parents, Charles & Jana Hoffman and big brother, Carson all of Smyrna.
In lieu of flowers, contributions may be made to Roswell Street Women's Pregnancy Center, 822 Roswell Street, Marietta, GA 30060.
Mayes Ward-Dobbins Funeral Home and Crematory in Marietta is in charge of arrangements.

There has been a CareCalendar set up for friends and family to help the Hoffman’s with meals for the next few months.  It is set for 2 months, but if the need is still there after this time period, we will extend it to accommodate them further.  To access Hoffman Family's personal CareCalendar site, visit http://www.carecalendar.org/logon/86307 and enter

the following information in the appropriate spaces:

     CALENDAR ID:   86307

     SECURITY CODE:   9385

  

Maggie's Day

September 7, 2011 is a day that I will always remember as Maggie’s day. It is the day she surprised us all and decided to put me into labor. It is the day that I finally was able to hold my little girl in my arms. It is the day that she went to heaven. On the morning of the 7^th, I woke up with a sense – that mom sense that tells you this day will be different. I had been in a fair amount of discomfort since the night before, but didn’t really know what to think of it. The truth is I was under the impression that, because of Maggie’s condition, she would not be able to go into labor, so when I started having “labor pains” I thought it was just an extension of the discomfort I was having from the polyhydramnios.

Shortly after Charles had gone into work on the morning of the 7^th, I called him from home and told him that I thought I was having contractions pretty consistently. Thankfully I already had a bag packed for the hospital. Again, that mom sense told me to get a bag packed this past weekend. Charles and I even had the opportunity to buy a couple of outfits and hats for Maggie over the weekend.

By the time Charles arrived home, I was in a fair amount of discomfort (aka pain). We dropped Carson off at our friend’s house so he could spend the day playing with his sweet friends, Liam and John, and then we headed up to my doctor’s office. As we were driving to the doctor’s office, Jeremiah 29:11 continually ran through my mind – “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” It is a verse that has been on my heart since Maggie’s diagnosis in June. It has always served as reminder to me that God’s plans are sometimes not our own. I have to remind myself of this verse every time I get in the minivan we had purchased shortly after I had found out I was pregnant with Maggie but before we had received her diagnosis. As I reflect on this verse now, I realize that God’s plan for Maggie’s arrival was perfect. Although not the way I had envisioned her arrival, I now cannot imagine it occurring in any other way. God’s timing is perfect. He had the right people in place for Maggie’s arrival today – from the midwife who so caringly delivered Maggie to the nurses and hospital staff that have taken care of us throughout the day.

When I arrived at the doctor’s office, my midwife (Christy), was able to see us right away. At the time, she could not check my dilation because my bag of my amniotic fluid was so big. She decided to do an ultrasound to see how Maggie was doing. Although I was in quite a bit of discomfort (aka pain) at the time, I was thankful to see Maggie moving around on the ultrasound screen and hear her heartbeat one last time. After the ultrasound, my contractions were coming very close together and so they were able to get me in a wheelchair and wheel me over to labor and delivery. Christy was still not able to check my dilation because of my full (oversized) amniotic fluid. I was concerned that my contractions were so close together that I would not be able to get an epidural, but thankfully they were able to get the anesthesiologist in pretty quickly to administer it (oh what relief that was). Right after the epidural was administered, we decided to go ahead and break my water so that we could check my dilation and assist Maggie into the birth canal. God’s provisions were at work. When they had done the ultrasound at the doctor’s office, Maggie was very active and flipping all around in my tummy—from head down to feet down to transverse (side to side). If Maggie had landed transverse after my water broke, the chances of having to have a C-section were much higher. Thankfully, she settled into a head down position when my water broke.  “Water breaking” is putting it mildly to say the least. Over two gallons of water gushed from me in a matter of seconds. For the second time that day, I felt a sense of relief. Christy was then able to check my dilation and came to the conclusion that I was fully dilated.

Christy then did an ultrasound to check Maggie’s position and heartbeat. Unfortunately, Maggie’s heartbeat could no longer be detected. We had been prepared for this, knowing that the drop that occurs after the waters break would not bode well for the delicate condition of Maggie’s head. Charles and I looked at each other and knew that Maggie had gone on to a better place. It was a moment of extreme sadness for us, but God was covering us with peace. His plan is perfect. Although we wanted so desperately to spend a few minutes with our little girl before she journeyed to heaven, we are thankful that we were spared from so many decisions that would have to be made with a live birth. Regardless of her condition when she was born, we knew once we checked into the hospital that organ donation would not be a possibility. An organ donor must be 8 pounds. Maggie weighed in at 2 lbs 4oz. Again, God gave us a peace about this decision – a decision that was out of our hands. If she was born alive, we would have had to watch her struggle for breath and decide whether or not to give her oxygen. If she lived for more than a couple of days, we would have to decide if and how to feed her. I thank God and I thank Maggie that I did not have to make these decisions.

Once my water was broke and I was fully dilated, I decided to wait a few hours before giving birth to Maggie. I wanted a couple of hours to rest up before the delivery began (giving birth can be an exhausting process). I also wanted to enjoy a few more hours with my little pearl tucked safely inside of me. I know that I was being lifted up in prayer throughout this time. Charles and I both felt a covering of peace and I was able to get the best sleep that I have had in weeks.

I began pushing shortly after 5pm and Maggie was delivered at 5:50pm. Throughout the delivery process the only people present in the room were myself (obviously), Charles, my midwife, and one nurse (Jennifer). I think Maggie appreciated the peace and quiet.

After Maggie was delivered, Jennifer cleaned her up for me and Christy tended to my needs. Charles was so wonderful throughout the entire process – displaying a strength and calmness that makes me so proud to call him my husband.

Before delivering Maggie, we had considered getting pictures of her without a cap on her head. However, the anencephaly was pretty severe and we decided to cover her head with a cap shortly after she was delivered. I am thankful that Christy, Jennifer, and Charles were able to see and assess her before I did to prepare me for her condition. However, a mother’s love transcends all imperfections. Maggie is beautiful – truly a rare and precious pearl.

Charles and I spent some time alone with our little girl. Memorizing every part of her – from her cute button nose, to her perfectly formed lips (courtesy of her daddy), to her delicate fingers and toes, to the cutest little tush I still have ever seen. We then had a photographer come in for Maggie’s photo shoot and are so pleased with the memories she was able to capture.

We then decided that it was time for Maggie to meet her family and friends. We secured her cap and wrapped her in a blanket to introduce her to big brother Carson. Carson was beaming with pride. We let him hold her hand, pet her tummy, and kiss her cheek. He did wonderful. One of my greatest moments of the day was having my two children in the same room together. After Maggie had a chance to meet everyone, I held her in my arms as I was wheeled to my recovery room.

I have spent most of the night holding her in my arms. She is wrapped up in an angel blanket and wears a pearl bracelet on her wrist. The joy of holding her in my arms outweighs the sadness of saying good bye. As I drifted off the sleep this evening, I envisioned Maggie entering the pearly gates of heaven, running into the arms of Jesus. Jesus introduces her to a new group of friends – babies who, like her, only know the joys of heaven. They are busy jumping on clouds and sliding down rainbows. Maggie is whole and Maggie is happy.     

Update

I wanted to provide an update about my OB appointment that took place on Friday and thank you for your prayers about the appointment. The doctor we met with seemed very supportive and understanding and will try to be available for the delivery (though that is not a guarantee). I am still measuring large and so will have to see a specialist to measure the amount of amniotic fluid in my quickly expanding belly. The doctor I saw today said that if the specialist is okay with it, then a delivery in early October is feasible. At that point, I will be 36 weeks and Maggie’s lungs should be developed enough to function outside the womb. I desire for Maggie to be able to breathe on her own because, if she is born alive, only comfort measures will be given as we spend whatever time we have with her. I scheduled an appointment with the specialist for next Friday afternoon. Please continue to pray that the specialist will be comfortable with me continuing my pregnancy for a few more weeks. 

After we left the doctor’s office on Friday, Charles and I met with Chad at Mays Ward - Dobbins Funeral Home to talk about final arrangements for Maggie. I know that it may seem strange or wrong that we are making plans to lay Maggie to rest before she is even born, but God continues to give us peace and assurance of His plan for Maggie’s life. I have complete faith and belief that God can perform a miracle in Maggie’s life if that is His will, but I also must remain obedient to what God has called me to pray for, and He has called me to pray for peace; therefore, I wish to plan accordingly. Chad was very compassionate and helpful as we have many decisions to make. We are thankful that we were referred to Mays Ward-Dobbins and are confident that Maggie will be treated with the utmost respect and care.

Stork Vision

On Friday we had the opportunity to take Maggie’s first pictures at Stork Vision, a prenatal imaging center in Atlanta. Shannan, the owner of Stork Vision, did a wonderful job capturing 3D ultrasound images of our little girl. We had been praying that the images would be clear and that Maggie would be awake during the appointment so that we could see her moving around. I gave Maggie a little pep talk and asked her to show us her best moves – and it worked (the chocolate chip cookie I ate right before the appointment might have had something to do with it too!). Maggie kicked her feet and moved her hands the whole time – she definitely likes to be in front of the camera.

I was a little bit apprehensive before the ultrasound because I didn’t know what to expect. I was afraid that it would be too difficult for me to see and accept the deformities of anencephaly. But when the camera was turned on and I saw my baby moving around on the screen, I can only describe it as pure joy. I loved looking at her chubby cherub cheeks and cute button nose. She even blew kisses at the camera. After Charles and I spent a few minutes taking in the sweet sight of our little girl, we invited Carson and my sister, Julee, in to see Maggie on the screen. I was really glad that Charles, Carson, and Julee were able to witness the kicks and the movement that I feel inside me every day.  

The weeks leading up to the ultrasound had been frustrating and challenging. This pregnancy has been physically demanding and mentally draining. I was beginning to doubt my decision to keep carrying Maggie. But when I saw my little girl dancing around on that screen, my resolve was renewed. I cannot imagine another path and am so thankful that I am still caring for Maggie.

Praying hands.

I think Maggie is signing "I Love You" but we just can't see her thumb.

Isn't that the cutest little tush you ever did see?

SSSHH.... we are being too loud!

Feeling Discouraged

When we first learned of Maggie's diagnosis, I knew that God wanted me to pray for peace and I asked our friends and family to join with us in praying for that peace. God did and continues to hear those prayers. There are moments of sadness, anger, and frustration but the moments of peace, laughter, and just plain normalcy far outweigh them and for that I am very thankful.

 However, today was one of those tough days. I had an OB appointment today and I am so thankful that Charles was able to accompany me to the appointment. Charles and I have been researching and talking about different aspects of Maggie's birth and we were eager to talk to the doctor about them. One of the main items that we were hoping to discuss with the doctor was the possibility of donating Maggie's organs after she passes away. As we have researched anencephalic babies as organ donors, we have found that the possibilities of doing so are slim --- very slim ---- needle in a haystack slim. There are numerous factors that are taken into account before organ donation can be considered. First, an organ donor baby must be born alive, her lungs should be developed enough to survive outside the womb, she must be a certain birth weight, and numerous other factors. There are also certain ethical implications to consider, namely, the "dead donor rule." An anencephalic baby is not considered brain dead because the level of consciousness that they experience cannot be determined and no baby less than 7 days old can be labeled as brain dead. We understand these ethical implications and agree with what that research says. That being said, the organs of anencephalic babies often begin shutting down before brain or cardiac death can be determined, making the organs unfit for transplant. Although there is much we still have to learn, we do understand that allowing Maggie to be an organ donor will be highly unlikely, almost impossible, but we still do believe there is a chance and right now we are praying for that chance.

The doctor that I saw today did not offer much hope for organ donation and was not able to provide us with any more insight about it. It was very deflating. The doctor also suspects that I have polyhydramnios, a condition whereas my uterus is holding an excessive amount of amnio fluid. This condition occurs occasionally with anencephaly because the baby is not able to swallow amnio fluid like healthy babies do. I had been researching polyhydramnios and had suspicions of it myself. I have felt "larger" at 30 weeks with Maggie then I did when I was pregnant with Carson. I have also had intense back pain -- at 5'2" an oversized tummy is tough on the spine. I also have had a couple bouts of nausea over the last several weeks (another sign of polyhydramnios). So while I do not disagree with the doctor's diagnosis, I was frustrated when he implied that I should consider going ahead and inducing labor. I get frustrated when scare tactics are used or when my wishes are ignored. While I have felt supported in my decision to continue carrying Maggie by a select few in the medical field, I have also experienced the proverbial eye roll by others. I realize that I am not a medical expert and I do trust medical professionals, but I also have to be Maggie’s advocate. From what I understand, polyhydramnios can be managed if it is not too severe. My doctor asked me to see a specialist for a full diagnosis.

Even though it was a tough day, I know that God will restore peace and give comfort. I ask for your continued prayers in the following areas:

First, that God will give us wisdom on how to proceed with the diagnosis of polyhdramnios. We are praying that the diagnosis is minimal and that I can continue with the pregnancy without any additional risks.

Second, that I will feel supported by my doctors in our decision to continue carrying Maggie.

Third, that organ donation is a possibility, as rare and unlikely as it may seem.

 Finally, please continue to pray for our sweet Carson. This evening Carson told us that he learned the sign language sign for “family” at daycare today. After he showed us the sign, I told him we were a family – Carson, mommy, and daddy. He then walked over to me and patted my tummy and said “Maggie too.”  I said “that’s right; Maggie is part of our family too.”  Maggie is lucky to have such a wonderful big brother!   

Pictures

  

I thought that posing for some fun pregnancy pictures would be a great way to continue celebrating Maggie's life. Carson sported his Big Bro t-shirt while my sister and brother-in-law snapped away. Thank you Aunt Julee and Uncle Michael for the photo shoot! As my tummy continues to grow, I hope to take a few more pregnancy pictures along the way. We also plan to get 3D ultrasound pictures of Maggie. We can't wait to see her dancing around!

Charles and I continue to appreciate the love and support of so many. We recently returned from a trip to St. Petersburg to visit my family and were encouraged by all the support and prayers from my hometown. I did tell Charles that this will probably be my last road trip until Maggie is born. An eight-hour car ride reminded me of the many aches and pains associated with pregnancy :)

Pulses and Pizza

I just wanted to provide some updates about our appointments this past week. We were very pleased with our meeting with Beth, a nurse manager for labor & delivery at Kennestone Hospital. Before meeting with Beth, we assumed that we would just go over the hospital's policy and procedures for cases like Maggie's. We were thrilled when we arrived at the hospital and Beth had arranged for us to meet with not only her, but also with an advanced nurse practitioner a doctor, and the nurse manager of the neonatal unit at the hospital. Between the four of them, they were able to answer all of our questions and they all demonstrated caring and compassionate hearts. They were very patient with us and spent more than an hour with us as we talked about our birth plan. I just hope that we don't get billed for this ad-hoc consultation :) Beth then took the time to give us a tour of the facility and the accommodations that will be available to us when I deliver Maggie. As we were leaving, Beth said that she will be happy to answer any questions we have in the coming months and she also said that she will be praying for us. Charles and I feel very confident that both me and Maggie will be well taken care of at Kennestone.

On Wednesday, we all went to my monthly OB appointment. We decided to take Carson so that he could hear Maggie's heartbeat. My health is good and Maggie has a strong heartbeat :) Carson could not believe how loud Maggie's heartbeat sounded with the Doppler. My midwife said that as long as I can feel Maggie moving about every 24 hours, then I can schedule my next appointment four weeks from now.

Over the last couple of days, I have been struggling with how to approach talking to Carson about Maggie. From the beginning, one of our prayers has been that Carson would be spared from the sorrows that we face. I am thankful that he is at an age where he will mostly likely not have a complete understanding or memory of our time with Maggie. However, I was reminded in a very poignant way that he DOES have a very tender heart bent toward his little sister.

I was sitting on the couch reading a book to Carson when he started to "tickle" Maggie. We both laughed and enjoyed the moment. Then, as a way to test the waters, I said "Carson do you know that we get to enjoy having Maggie for a little while and then she gets to go to heaven." He stopped what he was doing and looked at me very seriously and said "but mommy, I will miss her." Of course my tears began to flow and Carson, being the sweet and loving boy that he is, grabbed my face and began kissing my tears away.

Just this evening, as we were eating a pizza dinner, Carson proclaimed that he liked pizza. I told him that I liked pizza too and then he said "oh, and Maggie likes pizza also" (for some reason, "also" is one of his favorite words). Then he said, "Mommy, can I hold Maggie?" I told him that he can't hold Maggie right now because she is still in my tummy. Then he said, "Well, then I can just rock you."

That moment provided me with a good laugh, but at the same time, sent a dull ache through my heart. I am struggling and second guessing. I want Carson to know and love his little sister, but am I setting him up for disappointment and heartache? We need wisdom and clear direction about how to celebrate Maggie's life with our sweet little boy. Please pray for wisdom.

Tummy Tickles and Dancing Feet

It was almost one month ago that we first learned of Maggie’s diagnosis. I can remember everything about that moment and I am sure that it is a moment I will never forget. While I think about the diagnosis often, I don’t dwell on it. I am learning to enjoy the moments I have with her now.

Carson is a great big brother and enjoys tickling my tummy and says that he is tickling Maggie. I tell him that, even though we can’t hear her, I am sure she laughs just like he does. Maggie is an active girl and moves around a lot in my womb. I have particularly noticed distinct movements in the vicinity of where I think her little feet are located. I can only assume that she is having herself a little dance party! I am also convinced that Maggie is a cat person. Our cat (named Hopper) enjoys curling up next to me on the couch in the evenings. I think Hopper realizes that Maggie is a pretty special baby and likes to curl up next to my tummy to be near her. Often times, Maggie will begin moving around as Hopper stretches out next to her. Some may call this a coincidence, but I don’t think so.

We have a couple of appointments for Maggie over the next couple of weeks. On Friday, we plan to meet with a hospital administrator at Kennestone where we will be delivering Maggie to talk about birth plans and accommodations available at the hospital. I have my monthly OB appointment next week. These appointments are primarily made to make sure that my health throughout the pregnancy remains stable (blood pressure, weight check, etc.…). The doctor will also use a Doppler to check on Maggie’s heartbeat. I ask for your prayers that these appointments go well – that the hospital administrator will be able to answer all of our questions and that when my doctor check’s on Maggie’s heartbeat that it will be strong.

Maggie Karina Hoffman

When we first received our daughter's diagnosis, we asked our family and friends to pray for us in specific ways. One of the things that we asked for prayer about was finding the perfect name for our beautiful daughter. We are grateful that God has answered that prayer and has given us the name Maggie Karina Hoffman.

I have always loved the name Maggie. As I was researching names, I found that "Maggie" means "pearl." I thought the image of a beautiful pearl hidden within the shell of an oyster provides a wonderful example of how I feel about my little girl -- a hidden treasure tucked safely within my womb.The name "Maggie" is also dear to me for one other reason. Maggie is often times used as a nickname for Margaret. My mom's name is Margaret (although she is affectionately called Peggy by all of her friends). My mom is so special to me and I love her very much. I wanted to honor her when naming my daughter.

Charles came across the name "Karina" as we were searching for the perfect name for our daughter. Karina means "pure" and provides a wonderful picture of how we envision our daughter. As we have been researching anencephaly, much of the research we have found suggests that anencephalic babies do not possess any higher form of cognitive thinking. Research also suggests that anencephalic babies that are born alive are deaf, blind, and, most likely, unconscious. As sad as this is for me to hear, I am comforted knowing that Maggie's thoughts will always be pure because her thoughts will always be with Jesus. I prayerfully look forward to the day that I get to hold her in my arms. I am confident that she feels our love now and will feel it even more abundantly when we get to wrap our arms around her, but I am also comforted knowing that she is now and always will be cradled in her Heavenly Father's arms. We live in a fallen and sinful world and I am grateful that she will be spared from the trials and heartaches of this world. I am grateful that she will be of pure heart and mind when I give her back to Jesus.

"Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God" -Matthew 5:8

Psalm 13

How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and everyday have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death.
my enemy will say, “I have overcome him?”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord.
for He has been good to me.
--Psalm 13

It was approximately one month ago that God gave me this scripture. It was a time of uncertainty and fear. I had just received a call from my OB doctor's office that my AFP blood screen results indicated a positive reading for a neural tube defect in the child I carried in my womb. I was told that sometimes false positives do occur in these tests and that I would have to see a perinatal specialist to receive further results. I was frustrated and deflated when I was told that I had to wait two weeks for an appointment with the specialist. My first instinct was to scramble for an earlier appointment. The thought of waiting two weeks was unbearable. Then God gave me Psalm 13 and, along with it, peace. Looking back, I am thankful for those two weeks of the unknown.

On June 16th, we arrived for our appointment and were ushered in to have an ultrasound. I went into the doctor's office that day with hope that the test was a false positive and that the ultrasound would show a healthy, active baby. A part of me also came in mentally prepared that my baby may have a neural tube defect like Spina Bifida (a defect of the spinal cord) and could face certain challenges in development. I know that Spina Bifida is a big deal, but I know that God is bigger and is capable of doing more than we can even imagine.

As the ultrasound tech moved the camera along my abdomen, I searched the screen for any signs of abnormality (even though I had no idea of what I was looking at)and probed the tech for answers. She remained silent. I took my eyes off the screen and glanced over at her. I will never forget the expression on her face. She pulled the pictures from the machine and said she had to show the pictures to the doctor. I asked her if we were having a boy or a girl. She said she did not get that far.

For the 20 minutes we sat in the exam room waiting for the doctor to come in, I stared at the door with tear-blurred eyes willing it to open. The doctor was quick and to the point. Our daughter has a severe neural tube defect -- the survival rate is 0%.

Nothing I say can describe the emotions I felt that day and have felt these many days since. Despite the sadness, I do trust in His unfailing love. He has given me the peace I need to make it through each day.

As you journey with me, please continue to pray for that peace.