Pulses and Pizza

I just wanted to provide some updates about our appointments this past week. We were very pleased with our meeting with Beth, a nurse manager for labor & delivery at Kennestone Hospital. Before meeting with Beth, we assumed that we would just go over the hospital's policy and procedures for cases like Maggie's. We were thrilled when we arrived at the hospital and Beth had arranged for us to meet with not only her, but also with an advanced nurse practitioner a doctor, and the nurse manager of the neonatal unit at the hospital. Between the four of them, they were able to answer all of our questions and they all demonstrated caring and compassionate hearts. They were very patient with us and spent more than an hour with us as we talked about our birth plan. I just hope that we don't get billed for this ad-hoc consultation :) Beth then took the time to give us a tour of the facility and the accommodations that will be available to us when I deliver Maggie. As we were leaving, Beth said that she will be happy to answer any questions we have in the coming months and she also said that she will be praying for us. Charles and I feel very confident that both me and Maggie will be well taken care of at Kennestone.

On Wednesday, we all went to my monthly OB appointment. We decided to take Carson so that he could hear Maggie's heartbeat. My health is good and Maggie has a strong heartbeat :) Carson could not believe how loud Maggie's heartbeat sounded with the Doppler. My midwife said that as long as I can feel Maggie moving about every 24 hours, then I can schedule my next appointment four weeks from now.

Over the last couple of days, I have been struggling with how to approach talking to Carson about Maggie. From the beginning, one of our prayers has been that Carson would be spared from the sorrows that we face. I am thankful that he is at an age where he will mostly likely not have a complete understanding or memory of our time with Maggie. However, I was reminded in a very poignant way that he DOES have a very tender heart bent toward his little sister.

I was sitting on the couch reading a book to Carson when he started to "tickle" Maggie. We both laughed and enjoyed the moment. Then, as a way to test the waters, I said "Carson do you know that we get to enjoy having Maggie for a little while and then she gets to go to heaven." He stopped what he was doing and looked at me very seriously and said "but mommy, I will miss her." Of course my tears began to flow and Carson, being the sweet and loving boy that he is, grabbed my face and began kissing my tears away.

Just this evening, as we were eating a pizza dinner, Carson proclaimed that he liked pizza. I told him that I liked pizza too and then he said "oh, and Maggie likes pizza also" (for some reason, "also" is one of his favorite words). Then he said, "Mommy, can I hold Maggie?" I told him that he can't hold Maggie right now because she is still in my tummy. Then he said, "Well, then I can just rock you."

That moment provided me with a good laugh, but at the same time, sent a dull ache through my heart. I am struggling and second guessing. I want Carson to know and love his little sister, but am I setting him up for disappointment and heartache? We need wisdom and clear direction about how to celebrate Maggie's life with our sweet little boy. Please pray for wisdom.